(no subject)

right mike you just crushed me but the RULE IS
that I will never ever write about it or you and hopefully won't feel sad okay
except this
i needed to write this so i know it hasn't just bounced off
but i'm not going to talk about it and every minute and kiss and blah and blah and
i'm going to burn those letters tonight.

(no subject)

lately it causes me immense discomfort to open da or lj and i think i know why

Dear Valmik,

I'm not gonna lie, I didn't miss you quite as much as expected until just now, just now I miss you like I did before and I'm not sure why on earth that could have happened but it's probably also because I miss Michael but more than anything I miss you you you I miss you and I love you and I just want you to come here so we can see each other and oh god why is all this back I honestly thought it had gone away but do you know why?
I do
it's because I've been sober about two weeks now because i'm not supposed to drink with these fucking ridiculous meds and I just need to drink you away away away and kiss a stranger in the street

I just wish that you would leave my mind alone.

oh Valmik Kumar what have you done.

when i got dry as a desert i got mean

i was as lonely and empty as a canteen


I watched An Education which was beautiful

I wish I lived in the sixties and yesterday we were in a little pizzeria which made me feel that way

When I got dry as a desert I got mean
I was as lonely and empty as a canteen
With no anesthetic you are bound to be sore but tonight I and drinking all peaceful and warm

omg I cannot believe I'm drinking again it's ELEVEN FIFTY SIX AM
well only four minutes till it's not the morning anymore

and then it will be fine

Conor how was your day?

(no subject)

i used to have an imaginary friend who was so severely split in personality that one day she woke up and she was at this party

and she was having a great time getting it on with this beautiful girl but the girl sat on the bed all naked and sweaty and started talking about her whole life and how

she couldn't deal with these people anymore and how they only had time for talk of smoking and famous people who were allowed to be layered because they were famous but the rest of us had to follow them emptily and not realise they had no time or cares


the story of the love life of the saddest girl

 one day there was a girl with long hair and big eyes
she liked a boy in year three and was afraid of walking behind his chair
she liked another boy in year four but then decided she liked his friend better because he made for better conversation even though he didn't have a cool mushroom haircut
then she met a girl in year five with real highlights and found she had a little crush on her (although obviously only realised it was a crush years later)
she also basically had dry sex with her best friend at the time who was in year five and was very much a girl
the she didn't have a boyfriend but all her friends did
she liked her best friend's brother but she was immensely fugly and so had no chance
she then went through a succession of crushes
she then fell awfully for her other best friend's boyfriend
she went through a succession of crushes
she finally got one but they broke up because they were going nowhere
then she fell awfully for her best friend who was in a different country
then she got over it by making up boys in her head and finding a new friend
whom she then decided to fall in love with and plan her whole life out with
during which relationship she had two little secret girl-crushes but really they didn't involve sex or sex-thinking just liking these girls lots and lots and not knowing why
she and forever boy break up 
lots of time of nothing
nothing except famous people and memory people and admitting to a big attraction to girls
and then there was just one girl and she was perfect but she's gone now we don't speak at all ever ever ever ever and she's gorgeous but she gave her a hicky that lasted like a week
and then she found a similar boy
who was a little less self-involved
and met another boy who was overly lovely and funny
but she and the similar boy were both mourning and didn't admit to any feelings until said boy had a new girlfriend
the girl was a nice person deep down no matter how bitchy she came across and made sure they cut right down on the conversation so as to completely cut off the emotions and all that crap
and at this point she's great friends with the sweet and eager boy only now he is obnoxious and laid back (as a facade, of course, because she knows him and knows that he is lovely) and throughout the course of their friendship as he grows progressively more gay she grows more desperate for a girlfriend but also for some reason just wants to hook up all the time
adam asked me if I even like boys at all and I'm starting to wonder

(no subject)

 Every morning the sun peers over the horizon to see if we have found peace yet
and when she sees the silence of the air and the stillness of the ground with the exception of the birds and beetles and foxes all drunk with life she jumps with joy until she has reached the very top of heaven and all the time she was rising she never thought to look down and keep an eye on us to make sure we didn't suddenly appear out of nowhere and ruin the day
and when she finally does look down she sees us swarming like ants pouring sadness over everything and she leans down to get a closer look to make sure she's not hallucinating in her euphoria 
and her whole body sags with disappointment and she dives down again
beneath the ocean
to hide from us and hope that we'll die out in her absence.

(no subject)

 The saddest part right now is the way I used to sit on the back of a pony and look down on everybody who left livejournal for tumblr

and how after that i looked down on everybody who used the internet at all
and how wayy before that i looked down on people who
said the things i do
cared what people thought
didn't capitalise or write properly

and now it's all just seeped right into me and I PREFER IT THAT WAY no one is perfect Sim
and if you can resist temptation it doesn't make you special it makes you fake
it's human nature to give in
it's how we were started
we wouldn't be human
we wouldn't be here
we'd be animals
naive and happy
living life in a circle like Karenin
if we didn't give in to the temptations of all serpentine creatures like the heartbreaking words of Valmik Kumar

I am angry at my bedroom

(no subject)

 So yesterday my Mom's friend from when I was little came over
I think they're mending things after a fallout and I remember spending so much time with her kids when I was little

I don't know, she has all kids pinned down to be arrogant and ignorant and naive and unable to understand things in our childishness
assuming that we don't help out at home and 

I'm sure we are
I'm so very sure that we are
that we don't understand
that we don't get it
that when we use the word love it's silly and incorrect
but you know
it's not up to her to assume
and I do very much wish
that I could think that of myself.