Man I am so fucking angry.

My DAD is just being such a fucking asswhore PISSFACE jackass man. He's so asjihadgevsdhskjhkmnv\bsjkahjdhgvh.

And it doesn't help with my Mom defending him left and right even when we BOTH know he's in the wrong and always is and always will be because he's so god damn blinded by his idea that because he's a man he's better and because he's old he understands everything and because he's my father he needs no justification for anything at all.

Just, he always yells at me for no reason and I try to be calm and speak nicely and he yells more and if I start to look/sound/act upset he gets annoyed at me and yet if I sit there with an emotionless expression he will accuse me of being rude.

I read through the four conversations I have from when Valmik and I were together and it can't it can't it can't it can't it can't go away.

Plus even if I said it could it wouldn't because it won't and now I'm all tangly wanglied up. Wtf? I was closer to fine, I think, before all of this happened.

Well no I wasn't fine at all, but it was this kind of dull, very background and secretive kind of not fine that I could ignore all day and let out when I was alone and nobody knew except the pages of this website but nobody sees them so it's okay but at least I still didn't feel like they were locked away somewhere because it's a website.

But well now, it's a kind of screameythroughmybrainalldaylong kind of not fine just like right after and it stops me from doing anything and it stops me from thinking and it stops me from being depressed and it stops me from being happy and it makes me yell and my poor little sister when she's being irritating and it made me smack the Christmas tree and it makes me angry.

DWLKQJGSHQDHJWNHDKBWGQHJDWKQQDWNGAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH.

"Zmgah."
Awhhh <3 =(.

La la la la, on a rather contrasting note I just went for the first walk for no reason that I've been on since I think before Valmik and I were dating and we were just friends and I was my very own person and all independant and insideofmyself. Sort of like now but in a positive way as opposed to a trainwreck way.

Yes, anyway, well, on my road there's this school, and there's the bus stop where I go to get the bus in the morning right outside it, and just before the school is this tiny little windy road path thing and I remember I used to go biking down there at night in the dark and it was pretty, only today I went right to the end and it came to this like...opening...and it was amazing.

Like from where I was standing, my vision was sort of framed by trees and in the middle was this pretty lake with all these ducks and seagulls on/flying around it (respectively) and there was an old man walking his dog and just across the lake was this amazing grassy area with one wooden bench and it's just PERFECT and so pretty and romantic and lovely and I want to go there all the time and draw and paint and listen to music and kiss Valmik.

*COUGH* LALALAALLA.

Ahh man, I don't know why I'm so light-hearted about it lately.

I've been waiting so long for these words to come out
It's practically all I've been thinking about.

Oh I wish I wish I had myself a time machine.

Oh god...that song is amazing. The words are so...I can't explain how they make me feel. They're just so full of beauty and the story is so tragically beautiful. Oh...<3.

Well yes. So it inspired to write rather shit poem. Well actually it inspired me to write a story, but I got stuck and didn't want to lose my inspired *feeling* so I decided to go with something short and steal lots of lines and then I'll work on the story when my English Coursework is done *diesdiesdiesdies*.

Ayah.

I've just been reading through Making April's myspace.

I...love them so much. I really do. And not just that, I want that. What they have with their friends and travelling and living and meh..

But then I found out they're on a hiatus, I think?

Meh.

The world is not just.

Sugar town. by ~paintbrushhgirl on deviantART


AHH NEW CAMERA PHOTOGRAPHY. Lovey lovey lovey.

Lol I just finished The Amber Spyglass again.

They make me melt. I love it. It's so beautiful and sweet and pure and it just makes me so so so so so happy and also a little jealous ><.

Like really jealous -.-

Anyway...generally I spend my life narrating my life within my own head, and lately it feels like there's been a humonous build up because I haven't been writing it down anywhere and all my thoughts got intertwined and mixed up and I kept thinking half of one thing and half of another. So...number one - I needed to let it out that I finished the book and how much I love it. Which is done =).

Number two...school is fucking fucking me in the ass.

Number three...I'm bored of people. I feel like we need aliens or something because everyone is so shallow and not only do they not care about anything, but they know it and they don't care. Me included, I'm not some boob who thinks she's perfect and is preaching to everybody else. I think we all need a reality check.

Still, I'm washing it tonight and I hope it listens tomorrow.

I bought myself a huge grey floppywoppy beanie.

It's lovely.

I cried last night and then I felt much better =).

I'd like to get high now please.

I'd like a baby.

I'd like a dildo.

I'd like a new guitar.

I'd like a sewing machine.

I love making clothes <3.

There was this book I read and loved, the story of a ship who sailed around the world and found that nothing else exists beyond his own two sails and wooden shell and what is held within. All else is sure to pass, we clutch and grasp, and debate what's truly permanent. But when the wind starts to shift, there's no argument.

I sing and drink and sleep on floors and try hard not to be annoyed by all these people worrying about me. So when I'm suffering through some awful drive, you (occasionally) cross my mind, it's my hidden hope that you are still among them.

Well are you?

With JGL in it.

Oh my GOD.

Just...just go and watch it. Youtube, the person's username is s1utty (><) and she/he(?) uploaded it in eleven parts. I can't even explain that movie. I can't even begin to explain how weird and fucked up and creepy and amazing and deep and beautiful it is. Not to mention that he makes out with a somewhat pretty boy and it's all the nicer because that boy is in love with him and looks very surprised <333.

Ahh man.

Just wow.
 

It's the first day of autumn today...=)

Sometimes I think to myself "Is it me in the wrong?"

Hrrm...yog this weekend. But Adelaide aren't going, so I'm not all that fussed. Plus I think I'm supposed to be babysitting then anyway...

Aghh, I wanna go somewhere new.

It's all about the plastic words, and don't you fit the mould so well?

So, I had the weirdest dream last night. Before I write all about it in all of its odd-ness, I just wanna say it wasn't sad and depressing and just me feeling sorry for myself. It was just strange xD.

Okay, so the atmosphere was that of...some kind of a kids' TV show. Very strange and eerily happy, you know? Well anyway, in this dream, Valmik and I had just finished the conversation where he told me he was sorry, only he didn't have to go, so we talked about Chelsea (O.o) and by the end of it, I was just completely sure he was himself again, and that the past seven months had been some strange kind of Chelsea trance that he'd been sucked into, and so he asked me if we could get back together. And I was like all "Ahh, you have no idea what you did to me. You have no fucking idea." but it wasn't angry or anything. There wasn't really any emotion, I was just saying it. Like one of those creepy puppets.

And then, I told him we could be together, and all of a sudden we were in Hyderabad. And I'd forgotton about this other guy, and then he was there, and he was opposite me, and Valmik was beside me, and we were those plasticey puppet-ey doll cartoon TV show things, and the other guy wasn't, and I kept asking Valmik how I was supposed to tell him we were back together, and then I told him, and he was like "Yeah, sure. I'm gonna go smoke weed."

Then I woke up and it was five thirty, and as tired as I was, it was a very beautiful morning. I stayed in my bed, but the air sounded like music and it was all tinkley and my room was kind of glowing 'cause it was kind of grey outside but it was really bright, and even though my curtains are black they're still a bit shit.

Meh, and yet again I'm thinking that my brains is tricking me into thinking I like this guy because I miss having somebody. But I don't want to date him. I don't want to date anyone else =(.

Man this is difficult. I think I would hate to have a boyfriend right now.

I wish I had a really good friend who was a guy. They're so much easier to understand than girls.

Because you're burning every word I ever wrote,
Throwing ashes down your closing throat,
Shoving words where no one ever goes
In hopes that no one sees your body choke.

Oh my goooood. My timetable is pretty good...except for Geography. My favourite teacher in the world, the the teacher I didn't get.
 

Guess who my least favourite teacher in the world is? My fucking Geography teacher. And it doesn't help that I'm one of like...three who are in her class from my form. It's like...ugh...she's so rude. And like, she's pretty young, so I think she thinks she's really cool and fits in with us and stuff, but like...no...just...shut up.

Ugh... I miss my old Geography teacher. She was great. She is literallly my FAVOURITE teacher. Actually no, my old English teacher, Miss McAllister is my favourite teacher, but Miss Page (the old Geography teacher) comes a close second.

=( she had breast cancer last year, but she's all fine now and stuff =DDD. But still, I'm not in her class -.-

Well, at least my class is only like fifteen people. As opposed to thirty like the other one ^^.

And my science classes are goood. I'm doing Triple this year which I'm actually pretty happy about.

OH. And Englishhhh <333 Ahhh. She seems like a really good teacher, and she's my new form tutor, and she's very scary but very nice =S.

Urrrm...yeah....my Frenc teacher is also scary but I'm guessing secretly nice. Also maybe secretly pregnant? We think so. xD

I think I'm pretty over the Ryan Ross boy.

And yesterday I was having huge rushes of affection for the new boy, and told him I wanted to hook up yet again, after saying I didn't want to anymore... ><<<


I DO want to, but I just feel kinda yucky seeing as it's like when I'm not over Valmik.

Arghh, this sucks. I honestly have no idea what could be so great about him that I still like him so much.

And uhh...yeah...

Plus, this sounds kinda stupid, but when I'm not caught in rushes of...sexual frustration...I don't even really want to do anything. Like...I like not having much experience because I've always found it nice in a guy if he doesn't mind that in a girl. Does that make any sense? So like...I'm waiting for him?

><

Or something.
 

Put me on the first train heading eastbound.

I feel ashamed for breathing.

So the night before last night I was up till like four watching old Season One episodes of The OC, and I'd forgotten how fuck in love with Seth Cohen I used to be. I mean, I used to love him. And watching it reminded me so much of living in Hyderabad, because that's JUST what it was like when I lived there. But I think it changed a lot the year after I left. But yes.

Last night, I watched this movie called The Last Kiss, with Rachel Bilson and JD from Scrubs in it, and I think the JD guy is a really good actor, but he's so eccentric and funny in Scrubs but then in the other two movies I've seen him in (this one and Garden State) he's all quiet and sad inside. It's just weird. I think he's amazing, though. And Garden State is such an amazing movie <33333.

But yes, this movie, The Last Kiss, is really...morbid. Like, well, not really, but everything is so painful and hard for these people, and everyone's leaving their husbands or girlfriends or wives and everyone's fighting and breaking up or having crazy crazy sex.

It was a really good movie, though. For some reason I don't really like movies where everything is okay and happy because it's just not realistic. Like, in Harry Potter, I was SO sad that Fred and Lupin and Tonks died, but I think in a way that made it better...and everyone gets so annoyed at me when I say that =.=.

But don't you run too far away.

Last night I had a dream that Dashboard Confessional was here, and I went to the show, but the people who were supposed to open had gotten lost, so someone was like "SIMI WILL DO IT." and I was like "Wah...?", and the next thing I knew I was being pushed up on stage and somebody was handing me my guitar (I have no idea how it got there), a pick and a breezer, and I was like "Oooh...". And so I went up and sat down and put my drink down and started checking the tuning, and everything was pretty much okay except for the high E which was a little bit flat, but I fixed it and then all of a sudden I was playing What I Should Have Learned In Study Hall and everyone was like "OHH who wrote that?" so I told them all about Ice Nine Kills and how awesome they are, and then I played The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most, and then Dashboard Confessional came on and Chris Carraba was like "Thanks" and I was like EEEEEEEEEE.
<3

It was a nice dream =).

I think I will make this entry public, to mix it up a little. =)

Let's take what hurts, and write it all down...

It's so weird in my head right now, because I feel like I need to write something up here. But I have no idea what to write because nothing's happened lately =s.
 

But I had some weird-ass dream last night. Like, I was in this car (my future car, actually, it was this sexy black really really old square-ey Mustang), and then I got to a graveyard and there were loads of people dressed in really ugly black clothes, and I was wearing black skinnies and a baggy black shirt (which is kinda normal; I could go to a funeral anytime ;) ). And I walked up to this really beautiful grave that was surrounded by all these people in the ugly clothes, but their veils were awesome, and they all kinda closed in a circle around the grave.

So I was like "Ummmm, whatever, strange funeral people..." and walked across to this wall that went around the graveyard.

Oh wait, I forgot to say it was raining. Yeah, it was raining but of course it was a dream so my hair was all awesome and stuff and I didn't feel wet. And I didn't think it was abnormal at all when I saw my guitar leaning against the cemetery wall and I picked it up and sat on the wall.

And then all the funeral people started walking away and this little one turned to look at me from under her hood-veil thing and gave me the evilest evils in the world apart from mine (ahaha, I can evil people's asses off), and then they all went and got into ugly black bulky ugly cars.

So yeah, I was sitting on this wall and I could see the grave really well now that they had all gone and there were loads of red roses around it and they were so beautiful, but I jumped down and went and put something down on it (don't ask where I got it) and when I like, stood up, I saw this really pretty long-stemmed black rose with loads of thorns on it lying on the grave, and I was like "oooooooooh", and I tried to read the writing on the grave but the rain was really heavy and making my vision all ee-ey. So I gave up and went back to sit on the wall with my guitar and then I realised that I was really really  sad and I was like "Oh my God where did that come from," and then I started playing Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World.

And when I was finished, I looked up and the evils girl was standing there watching me and I was like, looking into her eyes (FYI, very hard thing for me to do ><<<), and she turned around and ran away and for some reason that made me really mad.

And so I picked up my guitar and went and sat in front of the grave, and it was still raining and I was trying really really hard to read the words but I fucking couldn't, and it was so frustrating because I had (and have*?) no fucking idea who had died and made this weird stuff happen and the funeral people hate me, but the rain was being stupid and even when I went really close it wouldn't let me see, and I knew that for some reason I just wasn't allowed to touch it, otherwise I could have felt it to try and find out.

But yes, so then I got up and put my guitar back on the wall, only to walk back to my car and find it on top of it. So I put it in the passenger seat and started driving and then there was this lake, and I was like FUCK, but because I'm stupid I didn't brake or anything. It was like "Oh, well I'm driving towards it so it's too late now I might as well just drown/suffocate/pierce my skull and brain or neck on sharp rocks at the bottom of this pretty rippley lake."

STUPID dream Simi.

But anyway, so I drove into the lake but as soon as my car hit the water it was gone and it was just me and the guitar as if the car had like never been there. And we were in the water and it was freezing and my guitar was really heavy but I wouldn't let go 'cause he's my Altair, but he kind of pulled me under and then I opened my eyes under the water and all the weird funeral people were laying there on the bottom of the lake except for the scary girl with the evil eyes. So I managed to get my head above the water again and scream, but I was still holding Altair. And I looked up at the cliff I'd driven off and the evil-eyed girl was standing there, and then she pulled back her veil-ey thing a second before Altair made me go back under again but I wouldn't let go of him so I like...sunk to the bottom...
 

Ohhhhhhhh <3333333333333333333.

I know what to paint.

Andrew McMahon rocking his piano's world.

But it's gonna be really hard ><. But I have Ryan Ross on my wall in hugeness, and I like Andrew McMahon even more than him, so it's kind of unfair that he's nowhere in my room =(.

Poor Andy.

Lovelovelovelovelove <3.

OHH. BUBBLES ON DAISIES LOOK SO FUCKING PRETTY.

And bubbles around daisies. Like the bubble is holding the daisy. Like I blew a bubble, and caught it on the stick and then put the daisy through the hole in the stick and the bubble was around it and it was so pretty.

I don't know why I was playing with bubbles....

God it was lame. I was just like dancing about alone in my garden blowing bubbles and then a bee bumbled along and I screamed and came inside to jam with Andrew.

I'm blistered but I'm better, and I'm home.

*COUGH*
Estelle just enlightened me to the fact that Chelsea reads my LJ.
And for the FUCKING LIFE of me I have no idea why she would want to.
I mean that's so lame...


But yeaaaahhhsss, so Chelsea would you fucking stop? Like I'm sure beneath the one-time-thing-where-you're-a-whore you can be nice, so won't you just respect that I'm TRYING to fucking get away from you both?
Thank you.

 AND.

I don't actually want to see any of the stuff you write on FB, which is why I deleted you and then blocked you. Like, honestly, Estelle said we must be really different so maybe you don't get it, but it REALLy upsets me and I just don't care.

ALSO, I don't give a shit if you're embarrassed about me calling you a whore *where everyone can see* because surprisingly I will always think of you that way and so will a lot of other people.

Why would I WANT to see the stuff she writes about her lovey-dovey-awesomeness?

Dear God.